I just read a little excerpt from 'A Thousand Splendid Suns'. Its amazing people think that even through the daily grind of exam month i still find time to read a little here and there to refresh myself. Every book i cherish has its own reason and a small paragharph or words that make me want to pick it up and read through it. The book i mentioned above, i love the ending. Its happy. I like happy ending or atleast those that leave room for life to work out on their own. Unfinished endings keep me guessing and sad ending pain alot. I keep imagining a thousand ways the character from the book could have altered their lives by a right turn here and there. but then again, they are mere characters, we're playing out the life.
A completed unrelated account, once at night i couldnt sleep. I was going through a bad relationship phase, with both parents and boyfriend. But they were blissfully unaware of each others presence in my life. since i couldnt work out what exactly was bothering me i walked into the bathroom and sat there. its a great past time of mine. i sit on the cold floor and ponder. Random disconnected fleeting thoughts. This time i didnt just sit there. I rummaged through my drawers and came across a red paint bottle and a brush. For some random reason i painted an eye on the wall. A human eye to watch over me, in the bathroom of all places i mused. Then i falt like completing it, so i drew a nose and lips. I painted the face outline and made the hair in quite a dishevelled manner. It looked quite out of place and rather serene. i still wonder why of all things i made that.
That image may have been a reflection of myself. Emotions trapped and held still in painting. No purpose nothing. The most incredulous thing is that no one noticed it since morning. A few people in and out of my room, they did not see me on the wall. they noticed later when they were searching for me and came upon a painting.
Its the same with friends. They fight and cry with you, and the rejoice in the happy moments too. Sometimes you just cant unburden yourself, it isnt time. So you wait it out, try to mull it over. You tell them you need time and they judge your attitude and the times you were harsh. They just dont see you.
After a long thought i decided i wasnt going to go into fine arts. Painting and drawing i love but was not what id prefer to do. Emotions they say are expressed within art. Would you want to be a lifeless pack of emotions on canvas which only you can interpret correctly and leave for other to guess. What if they can never see you ?
Ive had people tell me im cold and unapproachable. I busy myself in company. They dont see me trying to remove myself from prying eyes. They dont see me looking nervous in company. They dont see me working out a way to join the conversation. They just see the canvas on my face. That night i painted a tear drop from the eye, but i rubbed it out. I didnt want people to see that.
As a sad after thought, i realise we sometimes do the same. When God gives us harsh times. We bear them. He gives us a great time, we relish. Then comes the bad times again and then we complain. We blame accuse and cry our fates to the winds of 'why-me'. Ever wondered, everything happens for the good, then he's working it out but we just dont see Him. I wonder who God complains to, They just dont see Me.
One of my favourite lines from the book are;
Joseph shall return to Canaan, grieve not,
Hovels shall turn to rose gardens, grieve not.
If a flood should arrive, to drown all that's alive,
Noah is your guide in the typhoon's eye, grieve not.
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